The Bard of the Bar
by Michael A. Sisti
My recent search for an attorney with publishing expertise led me to the modern-day Shakespeare of Legalese. The response to my email inquiry regarding this attorney’s services for reading and advising on my book manuscript left me momentarily speechless (no small feat). The following is his complete and unedited (including punctuation) response with his name omitted to protect his paranoid identity.
Thanks very much for your inquiry Mike, but this is not the kind of work I handle. Accordingly, I am not willing to represent or advise you in any aspect of any of the matters you wrote to me about or otherwise and I hereby decline to represent or advise you in any aspect of any of the matters you wrote to me about or otherwise. I do not express or imply any opinions or express or imply any comments or provide or express or imply any advice about any aspect of any of the matters you wrote to me about or otherwise. You should absolutely not draw any conclusions of any sort as a result of my said unwillingness to express or imply or provide any such opinions, comments or advice or otherwise. You should find another attorney. I do not know anyone I could recommend.
I am not your attorney and there is no attorney client relationship between you and me.
Obviously, I could have let him have the last word and ended the matter right there. However, I faced enough rejection over my career that I was not about to have some pompous, legally-correct nerd dismiss me so eloquently. So I responded as follows:
Dear Honorable Redundant Sir:
First let me compliment you on your adherence to the letter of the law, and let me further retort that I have not requested your representation, client relationship, or otherwise, as I was merely inquiring with regard to the experiences, services or otherwise that you provide to persons who have been deemed preferred, qualified or acceptable to receive your services, client relationships, or benefits of your expertise, experience, or otherwise. As a result of the contents and containments of your response, I hereby arrive at the conclusion that your manner of providing said alleged services, representations, or otherwise is not in alignment with the style, tone and content of delivery of such services, representations, or otherwise that I have shown a preference for in my past client relationships, and that I would be amazed, astonished and at a loss to comprehend the perpetration of such manner of delivery of this multitude of minutiae foisted upon me by your esteemed redundant self, whereas I prefer a basic, elementary, and more direct response to my inquiries, queries, questions and requests. For example, a simple yes or no would have served, satisfied and provided for my needs.
In conclusion, Your Honorable Redundancy, I cannot help but wonder with regard to the extreme length and breadth to which you endeavor to cover and protect your highly-prized posterior, that it must take hours of planning and flawless execution, simply to prepare for a bowel movement.
Your humble rejected inquirer,
Michael A. Sisti
Mike Sisti is a forty-year veteran in the marketing communications field. Most recently he served as Chief Communications Officer at Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Rhode Island. Mike and his wife Sara divide their time between Narragansett, Rhode Island and Sarasota, Florida.
